I have taken the liberty to quote and correct a few minor things in a long paragraph about Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg Harvard Business School article from Amy Gallo about ACTIVE LISTENING.
This is of great help to my students. Amy Gallo is a contributing editor at Harvard Business Review, cohost of the Women at Work podcast, and the author of two books: Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People) and the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict. She writes and speaks about workplace dynamics. Watch her TEDx talk on conflict and follow her on LinkedIn.
Active listening is when you not only hear what someone is saying but also attune to their thoughts and feelings. It turns a conversation into an active, non-competitive, two-way interaction. Here’s how they define each aspect in their article, “How to Become a Better Listener”:
- Cognitive: Paying attention to all the information, both explicit and implicit, that you are receiving from the other person, comprehending, and integrating that information
- Emotional: Staying calm and compassionate during the conversation, including managing any emotional reactions (annoyance, boredom) you might experience
- Behavioral: Conveying interest and comprehension verbally and nonverbally
They write, “Getting good at active listening is a lifetime endeavor. However, even minor improvements can make a big difference in your listening effectiveness.”
This metaphor from leadership consultants Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman might also help understand what active listening is: “You’re not a sponge merely absorbing information. Instead, think of yourself more like a trampoline that gives the speaker’s thoughts energy, acceleration, height, and amplification,” they write. Here’s how to become a so-called trampoline listener.
How to Practice Active Listening
1. Understand your default listening style.
One of the misconceptions around this soft skill is that there is one way to do it — you’re either listening or you’re not. But, as authors Rebecca Minehart, Benjamin Symon, and Laura Rock write, there are different styles that you need to be able to shift between, depending on the speaker’s needs.
First, it’s important to reflect and ask, “How do I usually listen?”
Minehart and her coauthors, in their work in the healthcare field, observed four distinct listening styles:
- A task-oriented listener is focused on efficiency and shapes a conversation around the transfer of important information.
- An analytical listener aims to analyze a problem from a neutral starting point.
- A relational listener seeks to build connections and understand and respond to the emotions underlying a message.
- A critical listener typically judges both the content of the conversation and the speaker.
You may, out of habit, default to one of these modes in most situations. And that’s ok. The key is to develop the awareness to understand which mode you typically use.
Knowing your default style can help you make a conscious, deliberate choice about whether to use that style or choose a different mode that’s more appropriate for the specific situation.
2. Make an active, conscious choice about how to best listen.
To determine how to best listen in a particular conversation, ask yourself these questions:
Why do I need to listen right now?
Reflecting on the goals of each particular conversation — both what you want and what the other person needs — can help you determine the best way to listen at that moment. You may realize that a different mode (or combination of modes) would be better. Is a family member needing emotional support or is a coworker hoping for an honest critique? Using empathy to think about what the other person might need from your conversation can provide clues as to how you can best listen at that particular moment.
Who is the focus of attention in the conversation?
Sharing your own personal stories can help establish connections and validation, but it’s important to avoid steering the conversation away from the speaker so they don’t feel unheard or dismissed. All too often, we prevent ourselves from truly being able to listen deeply because of our own insecurities or head-trips — like emotional discomfort or being worried about how confident or prepared we might seem to the other person. With practice, quieting that internal monologue will leave more space to hear what the other person is actually saying.
Why am I talking?
While we all sometimes start rehearsing our response while the other person is talking, it’s counterproductive to effective communication. This question reminds us to listen without an agenda so that we can process what the other person is saying. Remind yourself that you can form your thoughts once you’ve heard what they say.
At the same time, you don’t want to be distracted by your attempts to be present. As Abrahams and Groysberg write, “Eye contact, attentive posture, nodding and other nonverbal cues are important, but it’s hard to pay attention to someone’s words when you’re busy reminding yourself to make regular eye contact. If these sorts of behaviors would require a significant habit change, you can instead, let people know at the beginning of a conversation that you’re on the non-reactive side, and ask for their patience and understanding.”
At some point in the conversation, you’ll likely need to share your perspective but, for now, take in what they have to say. Avoid hijacking the interaction. It’s far better to ask questions — it makes the other person feel listened to and increases your comprehension. If you can stay present without judgment or an agenda, you have a better chance of truly hearing what’s being said.
Am I still listening?
One of my worst listening habits is deciding that I understand what the person’s point is before they finish talking and tuning out. I might even give in to the temptation to multitask. My logic? I’ve already heard their main ideas, there’s no harm in checking my email real quick. Wrong! It’s not enough to put down obvious distractions (mobile phones) at the beginning of the conversation. You need to stay focused.
And, remember it’s not just devices or other external things that distract us. It might be your own thoughts or emotions. So if you find your mind wandering, bring your attention back. I find a mantra helpful: “I can deal with that later. Right now, I’m here.” Meditation can improve your ability to do this as well.
If you do find your attention pulled away, and you missed something the other person said, don’t try to forge ahead as if you know what they’re talking about (another bad habit of mine). It’s ok to interrupt them and say: “I think I missed what you just said. Could you repeat your last point?”
Taken from Havard Business review for my students
c.f. https://hbr.org/2024/01/what-is-active-listening
